HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
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TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
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GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
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DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
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FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
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NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At3:00p.m.
begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m.Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pickup your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for
5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for5 years.
Look cheerful.
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INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toiletpaper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take amilk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of CocoaPuffs.
Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
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AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leaveit there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player.Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mashthem into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There, perfect.
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PHYSICAL TEST
(Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes.
You won't be wearing them for a while.
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PHYSICAL TEST
(Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the lasttime.
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FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience,tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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COWHAND'S PHILOSOPHY!1. Never slap a man who's
chewin' tobacco.
2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.Neither one works.
8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
9. Don't squat with your spurs on.
10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flockof sheep.
11. Always drink upstream from the herd.
12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
13. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.
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HOW TO CLEAN A CAT!
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anypurchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a ''powerwash and rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet,and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, the Dog
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WORDS OF WISDOM!
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
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Never lick a steak knife.
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
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You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
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There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
That time is age 11.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
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And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
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GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look.
For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
6) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
7) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
8) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
9) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by that time your body and your fat are really good friends.
10) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
***
Feminine Language Keywords and their meanings!
FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine"
and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
(LOUD SIGH): This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
(SOFT SIGH): Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
OH!: This exclaimation, followed by any statement, is trouble.
Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
THAT'S OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow. "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome."
THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only say "Nothing."
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
***
Welcome to thePsychiatric Hotline!
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press1...repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press3,4, 5 & 6.
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line sowe we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice inside your head will tellyou which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate,please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT!
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
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She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT!
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed aLIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
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TOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED!
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And (drum roll) the Number One reason to go to work naked...
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
ever again.
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Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire!
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1 through 15.
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BUSINESS POSTERS YOU NEVER SEE!
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did
it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the
situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a
scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
(feel free to substitute tea)
18. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.
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Basic Instructions For Women!
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
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Don't imagine that you can change a man unless he is in
diapers.
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What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
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So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
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If they put a man on the moon - why can't they put them all
> > there?
Tell him you are not his type - you have a pulse.
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Never let your mans mind wander - it is too little to be let
> > out alone.
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Go for younger men - you might as well, they never mature anyway.
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Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
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Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
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Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the Do It
Yourself types.
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The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.
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Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
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A mans idea of serious commitment is usually 'oh alright, I'll stay the night.'
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Sadly, all men are created equal.
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Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,
it means that you laugh at his.
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The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of 'former boyfriend.'
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There are lots of words to describe men - strong, caring,
loving - they'd be wrong but you can still use them.
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