A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
***
Five cannibals get appointed as procurement engineers in a high-tech company. During the welcoming, the boss says, "You're all part of our team
now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria anytime for something to eat, so don't trouble any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the janitor?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You
fool! For four weeks we've been eating 'Team Leaders' and 'Project Managers' so no one would notice anything, and you just had to go and eat
the damned janitor!"
***
An elderly lady says to the chemist "is this Viagra stuff any good?"
He replies, "Very good, Madam, as a matter of fact, I use it myself."
"Can you get it over the counter?" She asks.
"Oh yes, but only if I take six."
***
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it over the
doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
***
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
***
What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles?
Reload and keep shooting.
***
Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
Because it only attacks the brain.
***
What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.
***
What takes longer to make a snowman or a snowwoman?
The snowman, because you have to hollow out the head first.
***
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll sure miss you."
***
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in
a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby- sit him for his parents. And he, too, has
been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If
either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt
within 5 minutes!"
***
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led
down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been
given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly
asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
***
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?," Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies
politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to please repeat himself.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "Dad, it's called the twist!"
***
There were eleven people hanging on to a rope that extended down from a
helicopter.....ten men and one woman. The weight of ten people was too much for the rope. So, the group decided that one person would get off because if the weight on the rope wasn't reduced, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the Woman volunteered. She gave a touching speech saying she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping........
***
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
***
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a
rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks
at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks,
and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man
was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you
give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed,"
says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened
and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of
you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring
rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby
sitter and you had to knock on that man's house
to get us started again? What would have happened if
he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our
help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed,
and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being
able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts,
"Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing....."
***
"Do you mean to tell me your whole family was shocked and surprised when your ninety-five-year-old uncle died?" Bob asked Jim.
"That's right." Jim said.
"But if he was ninety-five-years-old, why was everybody surprised." Bob asked.
Jim shakes his head and says, "Because his parachute didn't open."
***
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were fromPortland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." SoStumpy says "
By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is tendollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'llmake you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard,he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out,but you didn't." And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonnasay something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
***
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horseis standing there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's whitehorse is that outside?" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to letyou know that you left your Injun running."
***
After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire since he had suffered injuries, he thought that he should collect on his workers compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be, a patch over one eye and his agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get your wooden leg" asked the agent, In a booming voice the pirate replied "me and me mates were on the high seas, when the boom swung round in a high sea and knocked me in to the sea, where a shark bit off me leg", the agent replied "that is certainly work related, how did you lose your right hand?", "well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang round and knocked me in to the sea where a shark bit off me hand", the agent replied "that is also work related, "now how did you lose your eye?" well matey I was lying on the deck one balmy day, catching some rays when a se gull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye", "what has that got to do with the loss of your eye" asked the agent, "well sir, it were the first day with me hook!".
***
USEFUL DEFINITIONS!
----
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep inconversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
***
In The Headlines
"Infertility unlikely to be passed on"
--Montgomery Advertiser
"Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men"
--The Sunday Oregonian
"Man shoots neighbor with machete"
--The Miami Herald
"Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear"
--Journal of Commerce
"Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information"
--Staten Island Sunday Advance
"Iowa moves back to Pittsburgh"
--The Flint Journal
"Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism":
--The Los Angeles Times
***
MORE HEADLINES
"Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years"
"Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One"
"War Dims Hope for Peace"
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last aWhile"
"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
"Deer Kill 17,000"
"Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
"Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge"
***
Hints on when you can tell it is not going to be agood day
- You wake up face down on the pavement.
- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
- You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
- You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in youroffice.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party but find there aren't any.
Your twin brother forgot your birthday.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes from the city.
- Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway.
You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung aleak and then realize you don't have a waterbed.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You call your answering service and you're told to mind your own business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George.
***
Having a car accident can be a confusing experience for many people, especially when asked to write down the details of the accident in a few well-chosen words. The following words were chosen by drivers in the summaries purportedly submitted to police when asked.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, soI ran over him.
The proximate/indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I saw her look twice, she appeared to be making slow progress, then, we met on impact.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside.He then went into the bush with just his rear-end showing.
I had been driving my car for 40 years when I fell asleep and had the accident.
I had been learning to drive with power-steering. I turned the wheel, what I thought was enough, and found myself in adifferent direction going the opposite way.
I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured scull.
I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle.
The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the highway when I struck him.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's lap.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of it's path, when it struck my front end.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law, and headed over the embankment.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on myway home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up,obstructing my vision. I did not see the other car.
The accident occurred while I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering into the other vehicle.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.
When I saw I could not avoid the collision. I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
And finally, one driver willing to admit he was lessthan totally innocent No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.
***
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser,someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"
***
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as weare considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.
"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach.There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people."
"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.
"Then again, I might write. There is always a needfor books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution."
"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me,I can always continue to be a kettle."
***
A drunk gets on to a bus and pointing to the middle of the bus, starts yelling - From here to the right everybody is an asshole, From here to the left, everybody is a son of a bitch!
One angry passenger stands and replies - "Wait a minute! I am not an asshole!"
The drunk shouts back, "So move to the other side of the bus then...!"
***
A keen country lad dressed up in his only Sunday-go-to-meetin' suit, took the bus into the Big City and applied for a salesman's job at the big city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the entire world -- you could literally buy *anything* there. "So tell me," the boss asked him, "have you ever
been a salesman before?"
"Sure have," said the lad, "I was the best salesman in the county back home!" The boss liked the cut of him and said, "Well, OK: you can start tomorrow
and I'll come and see you when we close up the store."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 PM came around, and the boss came by and asked him: "Well, how many sales did you make today,
young man?"
"Oh, just one," said the young salesman.
"Only ONE?" blurted his boss. "Most of my staff can make 20 or 30 sales a day! OK, OK, so how much was the sale worth?"
"Well, lessee, all told that would be three hundred twenty-four thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars and sixty-seven cents," said the young fellow,
smiling broadly.
"How in hell you manage THAT?!" asked his flabbergasted boss as soon as he could pick himself up off the floor.
"Waaaall", said the salesman, "this ritzy-lookin' feller came in and I sold him a small fishhook, y'see, and then he needed a medium-sized hook too, and
finally we decided he needed a really large hook on top of those. Then, I sold him a small fishin' line, and a medium one and a pure-dee huge-mongous
big'un! I asked him where he was goin' fishin' and he said "down the coast." I said he'd probably be needin' a boat too, so I took him down to the boat department
and sold him that-thar twenty-foot schooner y'all ain't been able to sell for nigh-on two years... y'know the big'un with the twin engines? Waall, then
the poor feller says his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull the whole kit-n-kaboodle, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new
Deluxe Cruiser with a tow-hook on the rear. He was plum-happy!"
"Wait..." said the boss as he took two steps back and stared at the lad in astonishment, "you sold all that to a guy who came in for a FISHHOOK?!?"
"Waaalll, naw, not 'zactly," answered the salesman, "y'see, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Hey pal, you and I both
know your weekend's screwed, so you may as well go fishin right?
***
Dr. Sam had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Sam, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single anyway. Let it go......" But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Sam, you're a veterinarian...."
***
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story? If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be strings attached.
***
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep.
Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes this faithful friend. "Tonto,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
***
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight,Dave!"
***
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. Tocombat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing apen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
***
Rumoured to be actual letters of complaint written by people to their landlords!)
Dear Landlord,
"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is runningaway from the wall."
**
"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."
**
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
**
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
**
"The lavatory is blocked, because of the boys next door playing with their balls on the roof."
**
"The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?"
**
"Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done, as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."
**
"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
**
"The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."
**
"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
**
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."**
"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."
**
"I am still having trouble with a smell in my drawers."
**
"Our kitchen floor is very damp. We have two children and would like a third, so will you please send a man round to do something about it."
***
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
***
Translation!
What a woman says This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
***
HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE WORKING IN THE 21ST CENTURY"
* You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
* Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
* Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
* You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
* You learn about your layoff on the 9 o'clock news.
* Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
* Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
* Board members' salaries are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
* It's dark when you go to and from work.
* Communication is something your group is having problems with.
* You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
* Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
* Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
* You're already late on the assignment you just got.
* You work 200 hours for the $50 bonus and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
* Dilbert cartoons hang on every wall.
* Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
* Holiday is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.
* Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
* The only reason you recognize your kids is because you have their pictures on your desk.
* You read this entire list and understood it.
***
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
***
On break from college, this guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings a friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts
chomping away at the bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother,
"I'm sorry that I ate all of your peanuts Granny."
Granny replies, "That's OK, I'm glad you enjoyed them sonny...
since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em!"
***
The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has
been buying the stuff from this store on a regular
basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is
just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container... "to apply push up bottom!"
***
There once was a lady whose tooth was hurting, so she went to the dentist.
He called her into his office; but as he put on his gloves, he could tell she was getting nervous. To calm her down, he asked, "Do you know how they make
rubber gloves?"
"No," the lady admitted.
He said, "What you do is, you stick your hands in a big bowl of rubber and take them out again. Then you stick them up in the air and let them dry. When
they finish drying, you pull off a pair of rubber gloves."
The lady didn't say a word for several moments, then started to giggle.
"What's so funny?" the dentist asked.
The lady laughed and said, "I bet I know how they make condoms!"
***
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two
equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the
interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent,
but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to
the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
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