A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it.
The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the father thereby easing the mothers burden.
The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more
pain than he had ever felt.
The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with
the same results. This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.
After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little
pain was actually involved.
Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
***
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they
begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St.
Peter shows up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is
the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get
married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect
of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck
together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get
married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the
ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you
have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer!
***
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been
with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing,
you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fillwith warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
***
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to
work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I
want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with
mine for a day."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove
home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry,
vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to
pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework,
then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and,
though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was
expected to make love which he managed to get through without a complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord,
I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned
your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night!"
***
Don't you just love it?
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
***
At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding
night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is
concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the
entire night together. After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares
herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough,
the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom,
ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris
takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised,
LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done,
Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond goodnight, and leaves LouAnne is
set to go to sleep again.
However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door,
and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for
a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another. As Morris is once
again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly
impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third
your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was
here already?"
***
Maw is outside hanging up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it,
and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he
hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
***
In a recent survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was
too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care - they would have married him
anyway!!"
***
A husband arrived home to find his wife heading out the door with her
bags packed. "Where the heck are you going?" asked the surprised
husband. "I'm moving to Las Vegas," she replied. "I hear I can make
$400 a night there doing what I give you for free." The husband
thought about this for a moment, ran upstairs, and came back down with his
bags packed too. "Just where the hell do you think you're going?" asked the
wife. "I'm going with you," he replied. "I'm dying to see how you're
going to live on $800 a year!"
***
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super- secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded
the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full
FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there
were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
***
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hrs later, the
husband goes to his wife and says, "Babe, you know I now have only 18 hrs to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realises that he now has only 8 hrs left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Babe, please...just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Babe, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning.....you don't."
***
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and
says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to
Me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She
said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
***
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honour, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
***
Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
***
Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
***
Husband & Wife - Why ?
Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.
Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
***
Husband & Wife - Same Service A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,"When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
***
Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
***
Husband & Wife - Love To Do. A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
***
Husband & Wife - No Answer Back. A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her."
One of his friends asked. "And when you are angry,what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.
***
Husband & Wife - Come Home Late. A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning,and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
***
Husband & Wife - Problem Father. "You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."
***
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." She said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
***
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all, ... this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me!
There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
***
A couple are taking a walk in a beautiful meadow when they come across a notoriously risky wishing well. Legend has it that its visitors had better beware what they wish for. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in aquarter. Nothing happens.
Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also.Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and is eaten by crocodiles.
The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then"Holy shit!", she screams. "It works!"
***
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard,hooting like an owl. Then one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation"...
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a break through in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband...!"
***
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
- Kathleen Mifsud
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
- Ann Bancroft
"Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge."
- Bill Cosby
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- Rita Rudner
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."
- Benjamin Franklin
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
- Henny Youngman
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong."
- Milton Berle
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- George Burns
"What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner
"When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
- Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
- Phyllis Diller
"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."
- Rita Rudner
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
- Henny Youngman
"People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least aquarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret
at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being
Paul Newman."
- Erma Bombeck
***
An old married couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset.
After a few minutes the old lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the old man who goes flyingoff the porch and into the bushes.
The old man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Ma?"
She replies: "That's for having a small one!"
A few more minutes go by and the old man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.
She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seatnext to Pa. She sits here a few minutes and then asks.
"What was that for Pa?"
He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size."
***
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He said, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did, and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied,'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try, so on his honeymoon, Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here, try these on."
So she did and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack said," Exactly. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack and said, "Here, you try on mine."
So he did, and said, "I can't get into your pants."
So Jill said," Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
***
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral!"
***
A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she told
the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald
bracelet, and a gold Rolex."
"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries
right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
***
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not
the only thing in life!!
-Anonymous
***
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have;the older she
gets the more interested he is in her.
--Agatha Christie
***
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.
--Oscar Wild
***
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. --Scottish Proverb
***
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
Sam Kinison
***
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free.
Anonymous
***
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't,
they'd be married too.
H. L. Mencken
***
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier.
H. L. Mencken
***
"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
U2
***
Marriage is a three ring circus:
---engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering
***
When a newly married couple smiles,everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles,everyone wonders why.
***
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
***
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
***
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
***
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She
said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
***
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
***
My wife was in the beauty salon for two hours. That was only for the
estimate.
***
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
***
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled,"No, jump in!"
***
BaddTeddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get
married.He says "the wedding ring look too much like miniature handcuffs....."
***
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
***
A man placed some flowers on the grave of is dearly departed mother and
started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said,"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with
your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before.For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The
mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's
first husband."
***
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But
she leaned over too much,fell into the well,and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
***
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, he earns for the woman he loves.
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