Dear Consumas:
It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the "Windows
2000/Brooklyn Edition" may have accidently bin received by some of yous.
It seems they fell off a truck outsida Brooklyn.? If ya got one a dese,
you may need some help unnastandin' da commands.? Da Brooklyn edition
can be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads "Windas 2000,"?
has a background pitcha of Grand Army Plaza, and you hear da teme from the Godfadda as openin' music.? It was shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.
Please also note:
*Recycle Bin is now labeled "Staten Island."
*My Computer is now called "My Friggin' Computa."
*Inbox is now referred to as "Da Trunk."
*Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked" or "Rubbed Out."
*Control Panel is known as "Da Bosses."
*Performin' an illegal operation is now called "Enhancin' Da Family
Bizness"(and will maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.)
*Hardd Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour."
*Instead of an error message, a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis"
pops up.
Changes in Terminology in da Brooklyn Edition:
OK..........Sure ting
Cancel..........Fugetaboutit
Reset..........Start Ova
Yes..........Yeah
No..........Nah
Find..........Put a contract out on
Browse..........Get a looksee
Back..........U Toin
Help..........Fugetaboutit - guys from Brooklyn don't need no stinkin' help
Stop..........Knock it off
Start..........Move it!
Settings..........Here's da rules
If you received the Brooklyn Edition by mistake, that's just too friggin'
bad! Yous got a problem wit dat?
***
The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com
instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
br>
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Micro-soft Opposable
Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of news groups, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
( * 1.
Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )
***
Here is an 'interesting' virus warning If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes, " delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your creditcards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on yourVCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. Itwill drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo withNair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while, dating your currentboy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throwthings in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all youractive verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.If the "Badtimes"
message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, itwill leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk withwhole milk.
**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. **
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm, shootstraight out in front of you, sending sparks, that will ignite the person nearest you.
***
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages....
***
How to tell if you are an E MAIL addict!
I don't think that I'm there yet, but I'm getting worried.
"You Know You're too into email When..."
1. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy for a year!"
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get instant messages.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have email in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say "he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was that you said.
14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for 2 hours.
18. "Where did the time go?"
19. You sit on line for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before you get your coffee.
21. .....You end your sentences with.....three ormore periods.......
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