A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from
tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a
family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in
after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his
face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly
closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn
about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat,
and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room,
closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter
report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it
on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother
opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the
subject of MATH.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled
at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?," the father asked.
The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and
saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
***
On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their
teacher.
The florist's son gave her a box. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet
I know what it is. Is it flowers?"
"That s right!" said the boy.
Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and
said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?"
"That's right!" said the boy.
Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box.
She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her
finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?"
"No," said the boy.
She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?"
"No," said the boy.
"I give up. What is it?"
The boy grinned. "A puppy!"
***
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A lot of girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of
little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean the mirrors. He took out a long-handled
squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and then cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers...and then there are educators.
***
"I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not
yelling and screaming, like the passengers in his car!"
***
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed" and Suzuki said,
"The Taliban! 2001."
***
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and
down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right
away!" "Why?" his father asked.
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom...!"
***
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're up in bed."
So the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and
dad?" and she replied "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still up in
bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is
going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked
me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead."
***
DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a human because even though it was a very
large mammal, it's throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
***
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a
sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a
frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make
a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak,
we're going to Florida!"
***
There were three boys at the zoo and the zoo keeper came up to them and asked for their names and what they were trying to do. The first boy said, ''My name is Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.''The second boy said, ''My name is Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions.'' The third boy said, ''My name is Peanuts.'
***
One day a little boy went up to his kindergarten teacher and told her that he had found a frog. The teacher asked the little boy if the frog was alive or dead. He said that the poor helpless frog was dead. the teacher was wondering how the boy knew for sure that the frog was dead.
The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."
The teacher said, "You WHAT?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said,'PSST!' and it didn't move... So it must be dead.
***
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a wormin water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and with a wise look on his face, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
***
After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the
kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out,
"Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or
sisters who will be coming to school."
The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an
interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the
only child?"
She just said, "Thank goodness!"
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