This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the
gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he
pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy,
bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him. As
soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened.
The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down
your eyelid means, "F--k you" to the gorilla.... This didn't make the gorilla's
victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns,
and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the
gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat,
a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The
gorilla looked at him, and looked at the
hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla
picked up his horn and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and
sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and
pulled down his eyelid.
***
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window,
stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with
a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked
over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog
looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up
on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out
a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be
good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.
The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked
flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and
said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
***
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed
a sign saying, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door.
Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the
floor near the cash register. He asked the store's owner,
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep," the proprietor answered. "That's him."
The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled.
"Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied. "Before I posted that sign,
people kept tripping over him."
***
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The
waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third
little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their
orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third
little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the
waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies
would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the
third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third
little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water
all evening?"
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
***
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to
give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom
enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a
monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000
a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter
and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only
one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay
home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so bored!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken
was delicious!"
***
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He
asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy
of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
***
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
***
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch.
One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen,I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now.
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."
This confused both the frog and the bear, but after amagical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish.
"I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay." and took off like a bat out of hell!
***
Old Mule Henry moved to the country and bought a mule from Rich.
Rich agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, Rich drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news.
The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later Rich met up with Henry and asked,"Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off. I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made one hundred ninety-eight dollars profit!"
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollarsback."
***
Two men went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel.
The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, "Where is my camel?" They replied,
"Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!'
So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!
***
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
Much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
***
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL...
1: Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2: Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3: Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4: Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6: Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7: Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8: Wrapcat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9: Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10: Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11: Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hingesDrink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12: Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13: Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough
about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14: Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15: Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
***
There's a guy who owns a parrot that swears like asailor. He can swear for five minutes straightwithout repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird'sfoul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells,"QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad andhe swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out,the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet . At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird maybe hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence,he's worried enough to open the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did that chicken ever do to you to deserve such rough treatment ?"
***
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it but unfortunately, the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver,a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highwaysees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bendsdown and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again. He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hopsanother ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair,adds permanent wave."
***
CLASSIC VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer
away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with
food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries,
then they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it as "Temperatures of the 80's."
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton stage a demonstration in front of the ant's house
where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome."
Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Ant Act," retroactive to the
beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,
his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of
federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients who can
only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3:00 PM when there are no talk shows scheduled.
The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in,
which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton
standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now
abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
***
One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.
When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer releasedRandy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated toRandy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. "Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time."
Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you? I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."
Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."
***
A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I will ever see that elephant again and if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself.
It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States.
He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... THROWS HIM CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND STOMPS HIM TO DEATH!
Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.
***
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down
behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock
it off, I'm trying to do a POO!!"
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