The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in
the hen house out the back of the parish. He had a cock rooster and about ten
hens.
One Saturday night the rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."
Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said "That wasn't what I meant either.
Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the altar boys stood up.
***
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he
was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand,
gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom
where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she
fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too
wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"?
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would
be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him
a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"
***
Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one
named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu.
For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.
One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and
spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu
came, too. This make both velly happy.
However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father
but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum.
Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day
No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!
Cum again?
***
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's
company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening.
Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor,
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own
thoughts.
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my panty hose."
***
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000
Japanese yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked
the teller why he got less money than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around
and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
***
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up
to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next
door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew
- gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little
jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing $5.00. The little
girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
that they take her $5.00 pay to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl
how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless cock suckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking bricks", replied the
little girl.
***
A young Internet entrepreneur named Brett leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young
lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy
smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they
talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor
Brett broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.After a few
minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear
someone coming."He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and
leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she
purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Brett finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they
are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid!
Look at my skin-no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel that the best part
of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, Brett stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me."
***
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather
had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack
while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her
grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!
***
" A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "Ok, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates"
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
***
Once in medieval times... there was a King who was getting sort of bored
after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".
The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest
weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it.
the weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-coloured banners... and the band played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He
dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-coloured
banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King
finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty
pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds
cheered, the children waved multi-coloured banners...and
the band played "God Save the Queen."
***
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Catholic Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was quite understandably nervous. However, her mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. I cook pasta. You go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!"
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests.
I cook the pasta. You go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs in panic to
her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. I
cook the pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up our poor Maria went again. When she got up there, the patient groom Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Step aside," said the mother. "You stay here and stir the pasta. I'm going upstairs. This job is for Mama!"
***
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
***
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"
"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender.
"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender.
The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
***
A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sitsdown in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has adeeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have blackeyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter.When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!"The man continues, "What's your story?"
The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' butI accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch."
***
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.
The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.
They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her
purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged. "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene
and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind.
***
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a face lift.
/"Well,"says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
/par "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistakeI've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts.
And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
***
Once there were twins, Jo and John, Jo was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, it so happened on the same day Johns wife died and Jos boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Jo and mistook him for John, she said "I'm sorry to hear of your loss, you must feel terrible", Jo thinking she was talking about his boat said ""heck no in fact I'm kinda glad to be rid of her, she was a rotten old thing right from the beginning, her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish, she was always losing her water and had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too, every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys who were looking for a good time, I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow, the fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle". At this point the old lady fainted!
***
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He
said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex.
I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."
My case comes up on Friday.....
***
-------
SHIT
FROM: BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
TO: ALL employees
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest level of quality work and productivity from employees...
it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list,
and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
of the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRACKING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are also full of S.H.I.T., you may be interest in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING ( D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our
HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL INTENSITY TRAINING
(H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you all,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
***
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and as they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey my son", says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks, "Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope,
puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey glares at them and then turns back and says, "Your
extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there
are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding
the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting........
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!
***
Miss Bea was sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to visit her one afternoon,
early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her
Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the
water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise.
Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something..! But
he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"( pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know.. I
haven't had a cold all winter." "
***
RETIREMENT PLAN
---------------
As a result of automation as well as declining workload, Management must of necessity take steps to reduce our work force. A reduction in force plan has been developed which appears the most equitable under the circumstances.
Under the plan, older employees, will be placed on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the company.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel bythe end of the current fiscal year via early retirement will be placed into effect immediately. The program shall be known as RAPE(Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given an opportunity to seek other jobs within the company, provided that while they are being RAPED they request a review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is calledSCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may also apply for a final review. This will be known as SHAFT (Study by HigherAuthority Following Termination).
Program policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.
***
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another,he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes yourtesticles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought,"That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joewalked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,"How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. .. 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,"Let's see...
size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't weara size 34 It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
Have a great day!
***
The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the$10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over.I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.Noticing what was happening, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80bucks, and went home.
***
A chubby bloke was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business."
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5- day, 20-pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
He is really looking forward to the next four days. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!"
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7-day, 50-pound weight loss
program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."
***
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch
asked why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog
games. Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked
an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way.
Feeling quite happy about herself, the witch once
more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant.
The witch asked him why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heartbreaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she
waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey. All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his
penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed. "Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow dick toad", said the
good witch.
***
The wife came home just in time to find her husband in nbed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the toolshed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, Stop! Stop!
You're not going to cut it off, are you?
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to...........
***
***
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking... Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining.
And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there, but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....
Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure!
So, then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns!
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
***
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree".
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly". She took off her clothes,laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said,"You must put it in here".
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around inagony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan said... "Just checking for squirrels"
***
The other night my wife and I were getting it on when I heard her yelling, 'Climax! Climax!' I asked her "what's the big hurry."
She replied, "I didn't say that. I thought it was you."
Then we heard it again from the next apartment.
Later we found out the little old lady who lives there was teaching her parakeet Max to go up a ladder.
***
Mickey Mouse goes to his lawyer and tells him to file for a divorce from Minnie The day he goes to court the judge says Mickey you just can't come in here and say Minnie is crazy, I can't give you a divorce on those grounds.
Mickey says I didn't say she was crazy, you misunderstood me your honor what I said was she was fucking Goofy!
***
Sex For Dummies Exam!
Directions:
Please complete the following problems. You may use a scratch piece of paper for your calculations which must be turned in with your exam. SHOW ALL WORK! Use only a #2 pencil. You have 20 minutes to complete the exam.
1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
[True] or [False]
2. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
[True] or [False]
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
[True] or [False]
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
[True] or [False]
5. The clitoris is a type of flower.
[True] or [False]
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
[True] or [False]
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
[True] or [False]
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
[True] or [False]
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
[True] or [False]
10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
[True] or [False]
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
[True] or [False]
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
[True] or [False]
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
[True] or [False]
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
[True] or [False]
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
[True] or [False]
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
[True] or [False]
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
[True] or [False]
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
[True] or [False]
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
[True] or [False]
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
[True] or [False]
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
[True] or [False]
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
[True] or [False]
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
[True] or [False]
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
[True] or [False]
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve."
[True] or [False]
Time's up! Put your pencil's down. Turn your results in to your significant other, so they know what they are dealing with.
***
There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had
to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed
the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let
their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...'
And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off,
buster, I've got a headache!'
***
This married couple were on holiday in exotic India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners!Come in.
Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in.
Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel."Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years-raw sexual power! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.
The Indian then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
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